AAR

I only served 3 years in the Army from the time I was 18 to 21. I did another 2 years in the Illinois National Guard but that time wasn’t as substantive as my first 3. It been is about 20 years since I had a green uniform on but some of the lessons and jargon will live with me till the end. Although my opinions of what the Army is being used for now, and some of the soldiers’ attitudes, aren’t very favorable, their structure and organization is second to none. What I learned from my Army from 10-29-1986 to 1989 has contributed immeasurably to my character and success.

One of the things the Army has developed is called the After Action Review or AAR. This is a procedure for reviewing a mission, real or training, after it is completed. Although the outline for a formal AAR is specific and quite extensive, the format for my AAR is more basic. What was the objective? What did I do right? What did I do wrong? Identify the problem areas and address same.

Many years ago I made a commitment to become the best person I could be. That meant identifying problems and addressing them. I see myself as a blade in the process of being sharpened. In order to sharpen a blade, metal must be removed, but most importantly, you have to know what side of the blade the metal has rolled over so you can remove it. In reference to self, this involves paying attention in certain situations and identifying problem areas, then taking the time to address them.

I earlier today tied up the loose ends of one of the longest, most important and delicate missions I’ve ever taken on. I just completed my AAR and I think this was the best one ever. I did have some difficulties but I didn’t let them get in the way of the objective, I just fell back on my code and my mission statement. It’s just another thing to thank my Army for more than 20 years later. We did well.

To quote a long forgotten instructor "lets get ready for the next challenge"

T1 out

Scars

Last night as I was doing my final channel surf before turning in for the night I saw the last few minutes of a crime drama. The agents were in a plane flying back to their base when they recapped the case they had just closed. I didn't pay attention to the carnage but one of the agents mentioned one of the survivors. That prompted another agent to recite a quote. It resonated with me and I told myself to remember it so I could look it up and find out who said it.

This afternoon I remembered to look it up.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

Kahlil Gibran

Scars are wounds that have healed.

Masks Armor and Shields

After observing humanity for so long I noticed some aspects of their, and my, personality that we use for survival. As in every case regarding people, all of us have developed or are developing these attributes to different levels. And some of use them for defense while others for advantage.

The Mask

A mask is a disguise you wear over your personality to hide who you really are and project a persona you want others to see. It can be consciously or unconsciously put on. The game face is a perfect example. You walk into a situation and you want to project confidence even though you are uneasy or even terrified. On the converse, there is something called the nice person mask. This is someone that pretends to be your friend but deep down, they aren’t.

The phrase, “showing their true colors” describes what happens when someone takes their mask off. Usually the mask comes off when the wearer loses the ability to keep it on, decides they are in a position to take it off, forgets or decides not to put it on. The mask itself isn’t a good or bad thing; it’s what’s behind it that is.

The Armor

Armor unlike the mask isn’t something that can be put on or off. This is something that develops over time. It gets weaker and stronger throughout the day, week and lifetime. In some cases it can be destroyed but shortly afterwards it starts to rebuild. A person’s armor grows and gets stronger with every challenge, heartbreak, disappointment, and failure. Every one you survive tests your armor and verifies its integrity. However, challenges that damage your armor, and you recover from, make it stronger. References to testing someone’s metal, having thin skin, or being hard are about their armor.

A person’s armor can’t be seen however it can be displayed in how they deal with things or carry themselves. Care needs to be taken when evaluating someone’s armor because some people use boasts of their armor as a mask only to show their true colors when it’s tested.

The Shield

No matter how strong someone’s armor is it can’t cover every place to the same degree. There are places where it isn’t as strong as other places. These places are referred to as “soft spots” or “buttons”. The shield is used to protect these areas. Unlike the armor, the shield is not only used to stop things from “getting to you” it is also used to stop things from coming from you that can expose a weakness.

A shield is put up as soon as a situation involving a “sensitive area” is recognized. Sometimes we have warning before a situation and we can prepare ourselves. Sometimes we get caught off guard. An incident that has stuck with me for many years comes to mind. A friend of mine who was an ER nurse saw an accident on the road and conveyed to me how disappointed she was on how she reacted to the blood. She saw blood every day but wasn’t prepared to see it on the street. Her shield was down.

As we journey through our paths we will experience people who weren’t who they pretended to be. We will survive things that make us stronger. And hopefully we recognize where we are strongest and weakest and act accordingly. I do believe we have more control than we think as to how we develop these attributes. It just takes awareness, time, patience, and understanding.

Gambate

Buddies

When I was a kid my best friends were Japanese movie monsters. These were my buddies. This was long before VCRs and DVDs so it was a ritual every month to check the TV Guide and see when I was going to see my buddies. It was usually on a Friday or Saturday, that made it even better because it was a weekend as well. Damn those were good times. Not childhood, but being able to escape for a few hours to a magical place where giant monsters could crawl out of the ocean or ground and stomp through reality.

I developed a special bond with one of them. As I look at the same videos I saw back then that he appeared in I realized he was only in them for short appearances. It’s just another instance of something in childhood making an impression that lasts a lifetime.

When Video cassettes and DVDs showed up I was able to see all of the movies he appeared in. It turned out he was Godzilla’s best buddy as well. And he would also get Pwned every time he fought. He didn’t have any special abilities all he had was strength and heart. In every fight he would attack a stronger adversary and give it everything he had.

That’s my buddy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX6ZCG_hOEg

Back to Zen

Riding this wave of new found energy and optimism about life, I took today getting some things back in order. I’ve been wrapping up more and more home projects as of late and each one makes another one more accessible or easier to wrap up. The more things I get off my plate the more room I have to work on the other things. As long as I keep other mounds off of it.

Many years ago I defined Zen as it relates to myself and my path. To me, Zen is the control of myself and my mind. The 4 pillars of Zen, for me, are Focus, Peace of Mind, Order and Simplicity.

Every now and then if you went through any of my writing pads you may come across the 4 circles. I would often remind myself of what I was trying to attain.

The idea is, the less I have on my plate, the more time, energy, and resources I can dedicate to master whatever I decide to. And then find that place that I’ve been searching for all of my life.

I will get there, I made it this far.

Gambate!

Heart

Today was the perfect day to begin blogging. At this point in my life I feel I have a multitude of things to talk about, share, and maybe help someone along the way. I decided to start my first blog post with Heart. This "thing" has been on my mind for the last few months in one way or another.

This will also be a good catalyst for introducing myself because it in many ways encompasses where I came from, what I'm dealing with today, and what I've dealt with all of my life.

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. It was the result of many years of dealing with high blood pressure. After the first round of tests and scans, the doctor explained that I had a weak heart, that’s why it had to grow to compensate.

A weak heart? Me?

Those words rang so wrong in reference to me. I’m the one that has shown nothing but heart for the last 42 years. From graduating from a Chicago high school that was a block away from what was once named the deadliest housing project in the United States, and taking 45 minute train ride to get to it. To joining the Army and being a paratrooper. Then graduating from one of the toughest programs offered at Southern Illinois University. While at SIU having to bounce back from a life altering, heart breaking accident. Now putting my name on the dotted line every day attesting to the safety and legality of the maintenance being performed on airplanes thousands of people fly on every day. All of this by myself, solo, with NO backup. Me? A weak heart?

To tell you the truth, for a while there I was starting to think maybe it was time for the Solosaurus to start winding down. I was starting to think that maybe I was running out of gas, that my turbine was starting to slow down.

Yesterday, one of my heart meds ran out. It was the one that stopped me from exorcising. Yesterday was another tug at my heart string from an external source. This morning I decided it was time to get back in the game. It was time for me to fight these heart issues, all of them, using the same “heart” I used to get me through every battle I’ve been in to date. These latest ones are no different.

It was time for me to take my first bike ride since I got diagnosed. I missed the reach the beach, 100 mile Portland to the coast ride a few weeks ago so I decided to reach the river.

Ten miles to the river from Monster Island.

A photo op with my rig at my usual stop across the river.

This is my usual destination when I ride the river. I usually spend at least 20 minutes here reflecting.

On my way back. My rest stop was behind the boats. Thats OMSI on the left. And in the distance, Oregon Sunshine.

Yeah, That kind!

Ten miles from the river back to the Island.

I felt great. I've lost a few pounds since the diagnosis and I could tell. The storm was just icing on the cake. That has been the story of my life, plowing through storms. And one of the things I've learned about storms is, they don't last forever.

Gambate!